Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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