Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
