The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
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