so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
