One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
