so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
