there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
