two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
did i walk over a car last night?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Randomize
