i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
