Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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