a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
