Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize