He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
