I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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