My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
