The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
