My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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