There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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