It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
