Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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