I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
