where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
