im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
