never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
