If i come over, it means nothing
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
