can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
third nipple confirmed
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize