What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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