Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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