My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
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