I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
