He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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