I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
