i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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