the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
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