Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
