I faked an abortion last night.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
