Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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