Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
