we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
