just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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