i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
you inspire me to be a worse person
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
