I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize