How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
