That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
