When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
