You're my little dorito
You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I have feelings that need drinking.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
