I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
