Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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