Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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