what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Randomize
