my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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