I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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