i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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