Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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