Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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