I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
