i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
It's shark week go big or go home
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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