Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
