Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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