i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
