Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
