U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Congratulations! We have a period
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
