Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
