Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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