Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just gift wrapped bread.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Randomize
