My hair reeks of homosexuality.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize