Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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