Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
