wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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