So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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