I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
